Be the flirt

Till a few years back I faced a big social disability -it was tough for me to be comfortable when talking to girls. In a way this is a problem with many techies in India, with such skewed sex ratio in engineering colleges. And I did my grad from a place with near zero sex ratio: IIT Kharagpur. In a way this social disability starts much earlier. In schools and colleges in conservative places girls always move together in groups, sit together and eat together during recess.

But that was a different time. Today girls acknowledge, even complain, that I am a big flirt. Without ego or pride I would like to say that yes I am. Of course I haven't reached the level where you can bring orgasm to a girl just by talking to her, but still I am not bad.

Myths and Realities

It is said that flirting is an art. Yes and no. Flirting is both a science and an art. It is a science because there are some basic strategies that flirts use. It is an art because every woman is a piece of art. Everytime you flirt with a woman you flirt with a different person with different thoughts, different figure, and different looks. Hence a good flirt has to adjust his flirting for every girl.

Some people consider flirting in a negative sense. According to them flirting is a strategy to manipulate girls and ultimately to take her to bed. Its an unfair game in which the ones who are genuine but do not know flirting lose out. In the movie Bachna Ae Haseeno, Randhir Kapoor is the charming hero who sweeps every woman off her feet, uses her, then ditches her. Kunal Kapoor, on the other hand, has genuine feelings but can't get his wife's love because he can't express himself. At one point he accuses Randhir of using girls and leaving them hurt just because he has flirting skills. Such movies reinforce the negative perceptions of flirts. Flirting can be dangerous. A good flirt can make a girl fall in love with him in minutes. Not every girl, but the teenage girl who hasn't seen much of the world. And a girl in love is in danger. She can do anything for the man she loves.

So now I introduce the concept of ethical flirting. Filrting is defined in Wordweb as "Talk or behave amorously, without serious intentions". I contradict. Flirting is about making a girl feel special. It is about giving genuine compliments to a girl. women are the most beautiful things on this planet. Every woman is beautiful in her own way. An ethical flirt understands this. He knows that if he is in the company of a girl he is lucky to be in the company of that girl. And in return for her company he should let her know how special she is.

Another myth: either you are a born flirt or you are not a flirt. There is nothing like a born criminal or born genius or born hero (even Harry Potter was marked by Voldie after his birth) or a born flirt. Yes its true not everyone can learn the art of flirting. Not everyone can learn the art of drawing or singing; similarly not everyone can perfect the art of flirting. But if you can learn to express yourself to the one woman who matters, you are not a bad flirt.

As regards the art, it comes with practice. But for practice you need exposure to girls. Because of the deprived social conditions in schools and colleges many people avoid girls. Girls are an altogether different species who arouse anxiety; so you avoid them. What's the use? There is just one problem: you got to marry a girl. But in Indian society even that is not a problem: mom makes my food, mom has stitched my dress, mom has helped me choose my career, mom will get me a woman. Many who have the potential to be great flirts do not get a chance to be so because they do not give themselves the opportunity.

Be a flirt, if not for yourself at least for the women in your company. They deserve the best.

The science of flirting

This is addressed to Mr Dummy. To be a flirt, first make some assumptions and believe in them. Girls are dumb, and there are no exceptions. This is not empirically proved and this need not be true. But it should not stop you from assuming so. Why I ask you to believe in this otherwise sexist statement is because it will increase your confidence, your self-efficacy. If you think a girl is sophisticated or smarter you have already lost half the battle. This is mostly the case with small town guys in relation to city girls. You see a babe in funky dresses and parlour make up who speaks good english and walks like a model and you immediately think: she is way out of my league. So remember dummy. Girls are dumb. You are a dummy. They are never out of your league.

Now some guidelines as to how to start flirting (remember, this is not exhaustive):

• Every woman is beautiful. Not everyone realises that. Read my blog on maals and you will know how derogatory men's attitude can be towards a girl who does not look attractive. Problem is in our society atttractiveness is measured by how fair, or how slim a girl is. This will take you nowhere. Look closely at a girl and you will find a hundred positives about her. And you can do so only if you have that kind of attitude.

• Start appreciating things. Things include everything around. Appreciate the beauty of nature, of the busy city road you travel, of the grocery store owner, of cute old people. If there are positive vibes coming out of you it means you have a charming personality. Secondly it will help you appreciate things. To be an ethical flirt you first need to appreciate the girl. Some people have the art of lying, but most are not convincing liars. Besides this blog is about ethical flirting.

• Be expressive. Try to be frank. When talking to a girl, take liberties. And stop thinking what she would think of what you say. If she does not take something in a light spirit explain your perception to her. She would appreciate your frankness if she understands you. You have to make her understand you.

• Make her comfortable. Now this is not possible if you yourself are not comfortable. To be comfortable you need to be confident. No fumbling business here. Again stop worrying about what she thinks about you. She is keenly watching your body language. So be confident, be yourself. This is an area in which even I lack. But if you can make her feel comfortable you can talk just about anything with her.

• Depth. Oh yes girls like depth. No generalization but girls, even the ones who don't understand what depth is, prefer guys with depth in them. So talk to them about issues you strongly feel about. If you have had a former relationship do mention it. Exaggerate yourself as the victim who loved but did not get love in return. This has multiple utilities:

1. You show her depth of your feelings

2. She pities you

3. Now that she knows your history (which is actually your version of your history) she thinks she understands you.

• Look into her eyes. Now I am moving on to behavioural aspects of flirting. It is said that eyes are the route to a person's soul. I am not the kind of person who believes in that soul crap, but then, most flirts talk a lot about soul. If you believe in soul try to search for it in the girl's eyes. And appreciate her eyes if they are worth appreciating. Does it remind you of someone? Do you see your reflection in those eyes? Do you find the eerie? Yeah even if you find her eyes eerie or frightening do tell her. A flirt can romanticize anything and everything. You still make her feel special. She is the witch who has flown into your life on a magic broom. She may be a boon or curse. Only time will tell. By telling this you foster a special relation with her that of witch and the bewitched.

• Your eyes. You are not good at words? So what, you can still be a flirt. Your eyes convey a lot. If you have seen Unbearable lightness of Being, you would know how Daniel Day-Lewis influences women just by looking at them. Flirting is just about appreciating a woman without being ashamed of it. Have you looked a girl closely from head to heel? Take her on a walk and gaze at her. Look what effect this has on her. You make her feel that she is the only thing worth looking at in this wide world. And trust me, you don't have to act. You can look at a woman for hours, yet won't get tired. Her nose, those lips, the hair, that figure, her fingers damn all of it you can keep watching for long hours.

• Timing. With girls timing always matters. This again is a weak area for me. Must say I have an average sense of humour, but am little slow. So witty comments aren't my piece of cake. Another arena where timing matters is in doing dirty talk. Girls are way open to dirty talk than we think, but there is a timing to it. When you talk dirty with a girl for the first time, she needs high comfort level and lots of privacy. After the first time she is generally comfortable.

• PJs. Girls like, nay love, poor jokes. Sorry, this is not just a stereotype but also a sexist accusation. So pals you find out for yourself. But if your girl loves PJs you don't really need that sense of humour she wants in her man. What she calls sense of humour is actually sense of cracking pathetic jokes. Perhaps that's why PJ king Vaibhav Jain is more popular among girls than you are.

• Attitude towards women. The female gender has been an oppressed and deprived section of society for a long time. Since birth they have been treated differently from boys. They always have a lingering question in their mind: why these double standards? Owing to this common sentiment, women usually identify with issues of the female gender in society. So when you talk about dowry, rape, molestation, eve teasing etc show some sensitivity. A girl might make some funny remark about rape or working women, but don't you fall into that trap. Show some concern (need not be genuine).

I will be adding some more guidelines later. Remember these are just guiding forces that my gurus told me about flirting, and those that I found useful. That's why flirting is a science. There is a way to go about it. But to be a really good flirt, you need to develop that art.

The art of flirting

Now dude this is where I cannot help you. Let me tell you why with an example:

You look like a dream

Now if a guy tells this to a girl what does it mean? A girl is a girl. She is made of flesh and has eyes, hands, legs, a pair of... you know; and a dream. Its a dream. It is in your head. How can you compare a girl with a dream? That is what I used to wonder on a friend's favourite pick up lines. This is where you go abstract. A person cannot be romantic and realistic at the same time. A romantic person necessarily has to be abstract. Because he is abstract he can see the connection between a dream and a girl; or a girl's eyes and the deep blue sea; or her forehead and the wide sky.

Regarding the art of flirting I have just one advice for you. Be indulgent and exaggerate. A good story writer, it is said, is one who writes reality. But then what makes him good? He exaggerates facts to make it fiction. Similar is the case of a good flirt. He marks those little things that a girl does, appreciates them, thinks about them, and exaggerates them.

So dude, be the flirt...