Doob’s road to enlightenment

I


The day you stop learning, you stop growing. This thought of wise men in mind, Doob decides to actively participate in a management development module (MDM) being organized in his academy. Not just him, all probationers in his academy are excited about a reprieve from taxing subjects. All but Netty Pal, who is threatened by the fact that the module may make all one-fifty-three of them MBAs.
Day one. Doob is puzzled by the discourses of an IIM prof. What is reality? Nothing is reality. No one is real. All are perceptions. But if nothing is reality, then something is reality. If No One is real, then someone is real. This does not make sense. But there are more pressing issues to handle. He gets an immense urge to answer nature’s call. Already his neighbours at the auditorium are frustrated by his farts and urge him to answer the call. So he goes up to the Head, anti-bunking squad and asks his permission.
“Sir, can I go to my room to freshen up?”
“What about the lecture?”
“Sir it’s urgent”
“So what? It’s not real. It’s just your perception. Why is it that I cannot perceive your call? Because it’s not real”
“Sir, please. If you don’t let me, I will relieve myself here”
“So do it here”
“But sir... ”
“Don’t worry. I will clean it up. After all, trust me the outcome of your relieving yourself won’t be real”


II


The excitement with which Doob starts MDM is gone by the end of the day. In the next few days it seems like just another class. The good thing is that Doob was getting lots of sleep. The moment he came to class he put himself in a seat, a leg in another, and dozed off. A crisis seemed to emerge in day three. Doob was snoring off, his head freely resting on the back of the seat and his mouth wide open, as if in expectation of something delicious about to fall from the ceiling. Chacha Choudhary, of the anti-bunking team, wakes him up and does not let him sleep while the lecture continues. At the end of it, Head calls him up on the dias to answer for the misbehaviour. Thank God, he was not alone. In fact, so many were found sleeping with their mouth-wide-open-in-anticipation-of-something-from-the-sky that the audience fails to mark Doob on stage, and he is saved from the embarrassment. But the real turning point of the story happens on day four. It is also the day which the numerous followers of his religion world over will rejoice in festival and prayer for years to come.
Day four starts with a guest lecture by a neurosurgeon. The anti-bunking squad had been renamed by the board as Anti-Bunking, Anti-Sleeping, Anti-Roamingaroundincampus squad. From available rumours it seemed that a board member was continuously monitoring the movements of probationers from a control room in Delhi. Doob could have neither his way nor the highway. Trapped, he has no option but to listen to the prabachan. The neurosurgeon, however, makes sense to him. He asks thought provoking questions: who are you? What are you? What’s your identity? He further quotes a Sanskrit sloka:
Beham Naham
Oham Soham
I am not my body. Then who? The soul? I am not my body. My body is not me. Is that why many devout religious believers inflict so much pain on their body? Is that the secret of suicide bombers? And look, everyone here is so obsessed with his (her?) body that almost all morning activity sessions see hundred percent attendances.

The beauty of this guest speaker is that unlike all the teachers who have directed Doob to do what is right and defined what is right, he is not directional. Let the question be, who am I? The guest speaker warns the audience –don’t believe in atman, the soul, without finding the truth for yourself.
After his speech, the guest speaker takes all probationers to the badminton court. Why the badminton court? Doob gets suspicious. The morning activity had to be cancelled in the morning owing to heavy rains. This may be a conspiracy by the course team to make probationers do morning activity. He tries to slip away. Even though his life has been a life of running away from classes, he is a lousy one at that and finds himself face to face with the CD…
Morning activity is not as taxing as it always was. In fact, it seems fun when done in the afternoon. Further, some major changes have been happening in Doob during the yoga and pranayam practice done by the guest faculty at the badminton court. The program culminates with a suryanamaskaram (at two in the afternoon, in formals). Doob suddenly feels something very intense. There is light, blinding light. His body burns, momentarily. Then he sees the whole wide universe.
Am I Him? That cannot be… He is formless, and too wide to be restricted to a human body.
Then how is it that I can see everything. The Milky Way, white dwarfs, red giants, the Earth, people all around here. Is it an illusion? But then, there is no reality! Or wait… is there?
By the time the instructor says that all can rise, Doob realizes his vision. He is the Prophet. The mortal chosen to spread His word in this world of illusions. Buddha had received his enlightenment under a tree. Doob received it in a badminton court. Buddha had changed the way people saw things in his time. This age… belongs to Doob.
Anger. Greed. Sorrow. Happiness. All are Mithya. Income. Taxes on income. Posting. Deputation. Retirement. Everything is Maya.


III


Tea breaks in the academy are a time to crib. No other activity in the academy provides such a channel for cathartic release, and thereby mental stability as tea breaks. This is one such tea break, after the neurosurgeon’s session. A big circle has formed, and the topic today is time.
Sandhu: Yaar what is this? I hardly get any time these days. In four months I will be out of here, and I don’t still know half of my batchmates that well. Think what a shame it was when a friend called me up and asked me if I knew this guy who is studying with me here. I drew a blank.
Wasim: Hayn
Bunnu: Very true. And given the kind of information overload I don’t even gain anything from the classes.
Wasim: Hayn
Thokia: The problem is that I keep sitting on a chair for the major part of the day. After posting we are going to do the same all day. Ours is not a field job... just swimming over files. So why do it now? We should be doing some personality development.
Wasim: Hayn
There is a sensational feeling in all the people in the circle. A cool breeze blows, before Doob enters the circle. It is said that people can feel such pleasant sensations when an enlightened person is close by.
“What is the use of all this cribbing, my friends? This academy is full of people who cannot think beyond what there is. You should not be same. You should look beyond, at things that there are but cannot be seen. At things that matter. All this you talk about is Mithya. Its all Maya”
Sandhu: Tell me Doob, how much do I know about you. Just your name and nothing else. There is no group activity in this campus, no interaction. No life! I think the campus can be more vibrant than this.
“Don’t you know me?” Doob speaks, his words calm and confident “Look into yourself and you will find me. I, as you and as everyone here, is a part of Him. And why should you worry about not knowing anyone. No one is real. If you want to understand reality, try to know him. All these people, this service, this academy. All are illusions, Maya. All are farce. They have been placed here to hinder your search for Him”
“And what about the time we waste in classes. What about the information overload we can make no sense of?” Bunnu reasons.
“What about it? Why do you bother about the information at all. Classes are imparted to pollute your mind. The purest your mind is, the easiest it is to find God. Teachers and lecturers are agents of...” Doob stops, takes a deep breath, and whispers “Satan”
“They try to penetrate your minds and fill them with information of this world... unreal data that hinder your thought process. They manipulate your perceptions to such an extent that you don’t see the obvious. You don’t see the omnipresent God. So my dear friends, when in class utilize your time in meditation. Focus your concentration on Om... to such an extent that no tax law, no management module can pollute your thought process”
Doob goes on: about teachers and terrorists, and all other agents of Satan. By the time he ends he finds that the circle has vanished. Only a lone mess worker remained. He had actually just come by in curiosity when he saw the enlightened spirit’s discourses to an empty audience.
“Ah Pankaj. I know these kids will take time to understand. But you are smarter than them. You, who serves this whole community by feeding them, who toils in this heat to provide tea for their tea break, are a noble soul. And it is you I anoint my First Disciple. You will have the fortune of being the first to learn the truth from me”
Pankaj makes an excuse runs off to the mess.


IV


It is not that Doob has not sinned. He could not make it to a few morning activities and a few classes on time. Nor could he attend the compensatory classes allotted in the weekend for offenders. So now he is in his CD’s office. Usually he gets very frightened when in her room, but today he is calm. Calm and composed. He understands that for every action a man is answerable in this life, and in afterlife. Brave that he is, he is ready to face the consequences of his actions.
His calmness does not go down well with the CD. She gives him an earful of scolding, still Doob is unperturbed. Indeed, there is a divine smile on his face. She mistakes his serenity for arrogance and a challenge to her authority, and scolds him further.
“Ma’am, I understand. Let me tell you, your anger is misplaced. This world, all the people and you will be better off without anger. Anger is an illusion that brings negative thoughts to a person. I am sure you can do better. Let me reveal something to you, for you are the teacher I respect the most. I am His messenger on this planet. I am here to save this age, kali yug, from hatred and anger. I am here to wage a Jehad against teachers and terrorists; lecturers and lords of war. And I seek to enlist your help to spread the Almighty’s words on the planet. Even though you are a soldier in Satan’s army of teachers, I am ready to take you in as my Second Disciple, and disclose to you the great truth. For ages, people will take your name in the same breath as Mother Teresa”
“What?” CD shouts “How dare you talk nonsense with me. You think you are very smart, don’t you? You know what I can do with you? I can destroy...”
CD does not seem to be influenced by the idea of being immortalized as Mother T*****a. He raises his hands towards the ceiling, and looking up pleads “Oh God. Forgive her for she knows not what she is saying”


V


It is the last day of management development program, and Doob is more confused than ever. Is he supposed to be confused? After all he is the Prophet. God’s only messenger on Earth. An enlightened spirit is supposed to have clarity. Not just confused, he is afraid. He is afraid that he cannot spread His message. Till now he has made just one disciple, Pankaj. And even he seems to give more attention to his mess work than the search for truth. Pankaj gives a greater salute to the president of mess committee (that lost materialist traveller of life) than to Doob. Doob feels that he should get out of this artificial environment and retreat to the Himalayas for some time to get the clarity he needs. After all, did not all the great sages of India travel all the way there to experience the harmony of nature and Narayana?
Actually Doob had pleaded with Chacha Choudhary for a few days leave so that he can travel all the way to the Himalayas. Chachaji threw away his application. Have you gone mad? He had asked. Everyone seems to be asking him the same thing of late. What has happened to people? Doob decides that he cannot be thinking about small, petty things like the job, and his responsibility of assessing and collecting revenues for the government. Money is the greatest evil, and it is the pursuit of this illusion which misleads people. I cannot be this weak. Doob decides to retreat to the Himalayas, whatever be the consequences.
But before implementing his plans he decides to consult Netty Pal. Arguably the most learned of his batchmates, Netty Pal is after all an MBA. Even prophets have Gurus, Doob decides. He anoints Netty Pal as his Nutty Professor and asks him the biggest marketing secret: how can a prophet influence people and make followers? Unlike others Netty Pal does not call him crazy. He listens to Doob’s ideas and gives sincere nods now and then.
At last a sane man, Doob reasons to himself, I guess only wise men can appreciate me.
“I will give you a funda man” Netty tells after a long talk between the two “Geniuses don’t rule this world. Only people who can market themselves rule this world. You know what; I was not really threatened when the MDM was introduced here. You can do week long management course, you can spend two years in IIMs, yet you are not an MBA if you don’t know the secret. And that is something you can’t learn in a classroom”
“Yes, what is the secret?”
“Have you heard that quip –if you can’t baffle them with brilliance, dazzle them with bullshit. You must have seen some teachers in your life who teach quant to arts students, material physics to commerce students, and sociology to engineering students. Students always think that this guy is an expert. Reality is he is just an expert in marketing himself. He is a jack of all trades” Netty Pal reasons “Let me tell you what... I have got a good business plan. We will project you as a Prophet. You will go places and give discourses. And our trust will get millions in donation. You don’t worry about the marketing part... I will build your brand”
Doob gives a vacant, puzzled look.
“How is this for a punchline –Doob Baba, more than a Godman: a Prophet. Come, solve all your problems”


VI
Epilogue


It is a tense atmosphere in the board room. Whole course team and architect of MDM have been flown in from the academy.
“What do you think this will do to the image of our service?” shouts a board member “Now the IAS lobby will make fun of us. Our restructuring plans will be thawed for at least two years now. This is for the first time in the history of Indian bureaucracy that a probationer has gone mad”
“Sir actually it was not us. I think the MDM went into his head” one CD reasons.
“Yes sir. That was when he started talking all sorts of rubbish. That was when it all began” the other CD adds.
The MDM Architect is not ready to lie down and take all blame. “Sir may I point out that there are too many extraneous variables in here. We cannot draw a cause-effect relationship. And if you care to calculate the probability of the MDM being the one of many variables leading to his retardation, you will find a value not more than 0.00492471. May I present to you a risk assessment model that clearly states that the seeds of madness were planted much before?” Architect says and immediately brings up on screen a flashy presentation full of puzzling flow charts.

Orissa or Odisha?

I have been hearing this for the last three years: Orissa is to be renamed as Odisha. That Orissa is being renamed is accurate news (it was one of the flashy agendas of Naveen Patnaik's government) but when was Orissa renamed? I have been hearing that Orissa has been renamed since 2006, without any confirmation. Even when I was preparing for my civils interview, I found conflicting evidences on whether Orissa or Odisha is the official name of the state! Most state government websites referred it to as Orissa, while a few had converted to Odisha-regime. Of course I understand how perplexing it must be for a bureaucracy to change the name of the very state they work for, but still there was no final confirmation till recently.

Now that the change has happened, people outside Orissa perceive this as a real change of name, just like Bombay became Mumbai and Madras became Chennai. The fact is, this change is NOT a change of name, just a change of spelling. Ever since I had the sense to understand that my home state's name is Orissa, I have been pronouncing it as ODISHA, not ORISSA. The name of the land is derived from the word "Udra", which was a big totemic clan of the region. When the English came to India, they could not pronounce ODISHA (odiya accent is unusually accent even among Indian languages). So they pronounced it as ORISSA. Similarly, our language is ODIYA, but it was pronounced by English administrators as ORIYA. Since the first few English documents on Odisha were written by English administrators, they continuously spelt it as Orissa. And the language was consistently spelt as Oriya.

Now this is not a problem, is it? After all "colonel" is pronounced as CORNEL, not COLONEL. In English, if "to" is pronounced as TWO, then "go" is pronounced as GO, not GUH. The problem is that we Indians (and foreigners for that matter) usually pronounce an Indian city/ state's name as it is spelt. So while Orissa was pronounced as ODISHA in Orissa, it was pronounced as ORISSA by outsiders. It is for the convenience of all -sons of the soil and outsiders -that the spelling was changed. The name was never changed!

Hawala Times

These are taxing times. Ever since I joined National Academy of Direct Taxes, it has been so. I am the kind of person who believes in peace maro. So this study-training-attachment schedule of last 7-8 months did not go down well with me. Biggest of all problems was that I have scant interest in finance. On top of that I was training in income tax, one of the most challenging streams of applied finance.

But now the case is different. Its different because now I am getting a real feel of the job I am going to do. All this happened when I started working on my NALSAR Law project. As per a tie-up between NALSAR and NADT, we have to submit a project to the university to get a Masters degree in Taxation and Business Law -which supposedly is a sought after course. Arbitrarily I chose Hawala as my research field, and started getting into the depths of it.

It is only now that I get to understand the real depth of my job. My job is more mathematics and psychology (both subjects I love) than law and finance. The world of finance is full of black money, dirty money, tax evasion, and terror financing. My job as an assistant commissioner will be to maximize the income of government treasury and minimize tax evasion. For this I need to understand the psyche of taxpayers, mostly big taxpayers who shy away from paying the tax that is used by government in providing necessary amenities and services. For this I need to interpret patterns in books of accounts. Once an assessing officer (ACIT) understands patterns, he can easily locate where the businessman evades tax. Then starts investigation. After that follow tax additions, penalties, and even prosecution. I can imprison a regular offender of income tax!

But what fascinates me most is Hawala. Hawala helps me appreciate the big games played in the world of finance; the cat and mouse game of regulators and financers of drugs, organised crime, and terrorism. At the same time, Hawala is like the two faced Greek God Janus. It has its own utility for economic development of developing countries (surprised?) and for poor migrants. The challenge is to differentiate between White Hawala and Black Hawala. While black hawala is layered in a complex money laundering process to finance illegal and criminal activities, black hawala is an important remittance system serving developing countries.

Be the flirt

Till a few years back I faced a big social disability -it was tough for me to be comfortable when talking to girls. In a way this is a problem with many techies in India, with such skewed sex ratio in engineering colleges. And I did my grad from a place with near zero sex ratio: IIT Kharagpur. In a way this social disability starts much earlier. In schools and colleges in conservative places girls always move together in groups, sit together and eat together during recess.

But that was a different time. Today girls acknowledge, even complain, that I am a big flirt. Without ego or pride I would like to say that yes I am. Of course I haven't reached the level where you can bring orgasm to a girl just by talking to her, but still I am not bad.

Myths and Realities

It is said that flirting is an art. Yes and no. Flirting is both a science and an art. It is a science because there are some basic strategies that flirts use. It is an art because every woman is a piece of art. Everytime you flirt with a woman you flirt with a different person with different thoughts, different figure, and different looks. Hence a good flirt has to adjust his flirting for every girl.

Some people consider flirting in a negative sense. According to them flirting is a strategy to manipulate girls and ultimately to take her to bed. Its an unfair game in which the ones who are genuine but do not know flirting lose out. In the movie Bachna Ae Haseeno, Randhir Kapoor is the charming hero who sweeps every woman off her feet, uses her, then ditches her. Kunal Kapoor, on the other hand, has genuine feelings but can't get his wife's love because he can't express himself. At one point he accuses Randhir of using girls and leaving them hurt just because he has flirting skills. Such movies reinforce the negative perceptions of flirts. Flirting can be dangerous. A good flirt can make a girl fall in love with him in minutes. Not every girl, but the teenage girl who hasn't seen much of the world. And a girl in love is in danger. She can do anything for the man she loves.

So now I introduce the concept of ethical flirting. Filrting is defined in Wordweb as "Talk or behave amorously, without serious intentions". I contradict. Flirting is about making a girl feel special. It is about giving genuine compliments to a girl. women are the most beautiful things on this planet. Every woman is beautiful in her own way. An ethical flirt understands this. He knows that if he is in the company of a girl he is lucky to be in the company of that girl. And in return for her company he should let her know how special she is.

Another myth: either you are a born flirt or you are not a flirt. There is nothing like a born criminal or born genius or born hero (even Harry Potter was marked by Voldie after his birth) or a born flirt. Yes its true not everyone can learn the art of flirting. Not everyone can learn the art of drawing or singing; similarly not everyone can perfect the art of flirting. But if you can learn to express yourself to the one woman who matters, you are not a bad flirt.

As regards the art, it comes with practice. But for practice you need exposure to girls. Because of the deprived social conditions in schools and colleges many people avoid girls. Girls are an altogether different species who arouse anxiety; so you avoid them. What's the use? There is just one problem: you got to marry a girl. But in Indian society even that is not a problem: mom makes my food, mom has stitched my dress, mom has helped me choose my career, mom will get me a woman. Many who have the potential to be great flirts do not get a chance to be so because they do not give themselves the opportunity.

Be a flirt, if not for yourself at least for the women in your company. They deserve the best.

The science of flirting

This is addressed to Mr Dummy. To be a flirt, first make some assumptions and believe in them. Girls are dumb, and there are no exceptions. This is not empirically proved and this need not be true. But it should not stop you from assuming so. Why I ask you to believe in this otherwise sexist statement is because it will increase your confidence, your self-efficacy. If you think a girl is sophisticated or smarter you have already lost half the battle. This is mostly the case with small town guys in relation to city girls. You see a babe in funky dresses and parlour make up who speaks good english and walks like a model and you immediately think: she is way out of my league. So remember dummy. Girls are dumb. You are a dummy. They are never out of your league.

Now some guidelines as to how to start flirting (remember, this is not exhaustive):

• Every woman is beautiful. Not everyone realises that. Read my blog on maals and you will know how derogatory men's attitude can be towards a girl who does not look attractive. Problem is in our society atttractiveness is measured by how fair, or how slim a girl is. This will take you nowhere. Look closely at a girl and you will find a hundred positives about her. And you can do so only if you have that kind of attitude.

• Start appreciating things. Things include everything around. Appreciate the beauty of nature, of the busy city road you travel, of the grocery store owner, of cute old people. If there are positive vibes coming out of you it means you have a charming personality. Secondly it will help you appreciate things. To be an ethical flirt you first need to appreciate the girl. Some people have the art of lying, but most are not convincing liars. Besides this blog is about ethical flirting.

• Be expressive. Try to be frank. When talking to a girl, take liberties. And stop thinking what she would think of what you say. If she does not take something in a light spirit explain your perception to her. She would appreciate your frankness if she understands you. You have to make her understand you.

• Make her comfortable. Now this is not possible if you yourself are not comfortable. To be comfortable you need to be confident. No fumbling business here. Again stop worrying about what she thinks about you. She is keenly watching your body language. So be confident, be yourself. This is an area in which even I lack. But if you can make her feel comfortable you can talk just about anything with her.

• Depth. Oh yes girls like depth. No generalization but girls, even the ones who don't understand what depth is, prefer guys with depth in them. So talk to them about issues you strongly feel about. If you have had a former relationship do mention it. Exaggerate yourself as the victim who loved but did not get love in return. This has multiple utilities:

1. You show her depth of your feelings

2. She pities you

3. Now that she knows your history (which is actually your version of your history) she thinks she understands you.

• Look into her eyes. Now I am moving on to behavioural aspects of flirting. It is said that eyes are the route to a person's soul. I am not the kind of person who believes in that soul crap, but then, most flirts talk a lot about soul. If you believe in soul try to search for it in the girl's eyes. And appreciate her eyes if they are worth appreciating. Does it remind you of someone? Do you see your reflection in those eyes? Do you find the eerie? Yeah even if you find her eyes eerie or frightening do tell her. A flirt can romanticize anything and everything. You still make her feel special. She is the witch who has flown into your life on a magic broom. She may be a boon or curse. Only time will tell. By telling this you foster a special relation with her that of witch and the bewitched.

• Your eyes. You are not good at words? So what, you can still be a flirt. Your eyes convey a lot. If you have seen Unbearable lightness of Being, you would know how Daniel Day-Lewis influences women just by looking at them. Flirting is just about appreciating a woman without being ashamed of it. Have you looked a girl closely from head to heel? Take her on a walk and gaze at her. Look what effect this has on her. You make her feel that she is the only thing worth looking at in this wide world. And trust me, you don't have to act. You can look at a woman for hours, yet won't get tired. Her nose, those lips, the hair, that figure, her fingers damn all of it you can keep watching for long hours.

• Timing. With girls timing always matters. This again is a weak area for me. Must say I have an average sense of humour, but am little slow. So witty comments aren't my piece of cake. Another arena where timing matters is in doing dirty talk. Girls are way open to dirty talk than we think, but there is a timing to it. When you talk dirty with a girl for the first time, she needs high comfort level and lots of privacy. After the first time she is generally comfortable.

• PJs. Girls like, nay love, poor jokes. Sorry, this is not just a stereotype but also a sexist accusation. So pals you find out for yourself. But if your girl loves PJs you don't really need that sense of humour she wants in her man. What she calls sense of humour is actually sense of cracking pathetic jokes. Perhaps that's why PJ king Vaibhav Jain is more popular among girls than you are.

• Attitude towards women. The female gender has been an oppressed and deprived section of society for a long time. Since birth they have been treated differently from boys. They always have a lingering question in their mind: why these double standards? Owing to this common sentiment, women usually identify with issues of the female gender in society. So when you talk about dowry, rape, molestation, eve teasing etc show some sensitivity. A girl might make some funny remark about rape or working women, but don't you fall into that trap. Show some concern (need not be genuine).

I will be adding some more guidelines later. Remember these are just guiding forces that my gurus told me about flirting, and those that I found useful. That's why flirting is a science. There is a way to go about it. But to be a really good flirt, you need to develop that art.

The art of flirting

Now dude this is where I cannot help you. Let me tell you why with an example:

You look like a dream

Now if a guy tells this to a girl what does it mean? A girl is a girl. She is made of flesh and has eyes, hands, legs, a pair of... you know; and a dream. Its a dream. It is in your head. How can you compare a girl with a dream? That is what I used to wonder on a friend's favourite pick up lines. This is where you go abstract. A person cannot be romantic and realistic at the same time. A romantic person necessarily has to be abstract. Because he is abstract he can see the connection between a dream and a girl; or a girl's eyes and the deep blue sea; or her forehead and the wide sky.

Regarding the art of flirting I have just one advice for you. Be indulgent and exaggerate. A good story writer, it is said, is one who writes reality. But then what makes him good? He exaggerates facts to make it fiction. Similar is the case of a good flirt. He marks those little things that a girl does, appreciates them, thinks about them, and exaggerates them.

So dude, be the flirt...