When the ass sucks...

WHEN THE ASS SUCKS…

Any meeting summoned by chairman Homosien is important. This one was especially, because the proceedings of this would end an age old conflict…of ego, power and pride.
“I heard the chairman is going to declare, for all ages to come, who is to be tagged indispensable”, remarked LeftOpsis from the last row.
**********
Two more exams to go and then I will be back home. I had been eagerly waiting for the months long summer vacations. This was when I felt an irritation in my butts for the first time. Must be a small wound that will take no time to heal. I applied an antiseptic ointment, hoping to get over the problem soon.
**********
 “I just want to state that a sophisticated brain is what distinguishes man from any one else. What use is human without a brain”, Mr. Nervos presented his views with the air of a politician.
“The question is what is ‘essential’, not what distinguishes man from monkey”, came up Miss.Cardilia, “And stop narrating the crap about civilization development”
“How do you think they got such good medical facilities”, bellowed Mr.Nervos, “Not the heart, not the kidney, not the lever, its human brain that brought us to this state of hygiene and medical care”
“Heart, kidney and lever. Did you forget the genitals”, asked Mr.Dick even as an irritated whisper came from Miss.Genitalia. “Its no time for jokes”.
“Your highness, I think our friend Mr.Nervos is wasting our time by stating irrelevant facts”, said Miss. Cardilia to the chairman.
The chairman found himself at a loss of words. Even though he wanted to appease both Nervos and Cardilia, he knew he could not prevent a stand-off between the two.
“Mr.Nervos, I have taken note of your point. You may present your next”
“Imagine how beautiful the world is when seen through the eyes”, pronounced LeftOpsis from the last row.
“Yes, you are very much correct”, replied RightOpsis, though no other seemed to care.

************
Two days after exams. Most of my friends had left. Mess was closed and nearest hotel was a mile away. The small ‘wound’ had grown to the size of a huge and hard boil. To make you understand the pain I felt, I shall tell the exact location of the boil. It had erupted on the right lobe of my butt, and just in front of the poor anus.
First time in my life I realized how impaired a man is without a pair of good butts. You can’t lay on your back-you can not walk coz, as I realized after having the boil, legs are outgrowths of the asses and movement of legs is not deprived of ass movement. It hurts much more if a boil comes out just at the partition of the lobes, as the case was with me.

***************
“Tagging someone as essential is not fair. His Highness knows how important the lever is for human body. Same, I think is the case of kidneys”, Mr.Jaundicus explained to the gathering.
The Kidney twins, Mr.Dontos, Mr.dermis, leftOpsis and his supporters from back benches drummed on the benches to show their approval.
“I hope His Highness understands how dreaded a condition coma is”, thundered Mr.Nervos, even as the chairman struggled to maintain decorum in the hall.
“Dreaded? Coma is a form of death from which you still have a chance to come out after few years”, a supporter of Miss.Cardilia sarcastically remarked.
“One at a time please”, called the chairman impatiently.
“Miss.Cardilia looks pretty when fuming with anger”, remarked Mr.Dick to Miss.Genitalia
“Will you shut up, you small pathetic Dick?”, glared Miss.Genitalia.
These girls! Grow jealous very easily
“How awful it is for a person to be blind!”, exclaimed leftOpsis from the back benches though none but RightOpsis-“Ya its really awful”- seemed to take note.

***********
Not in heaven, nor in hell. I was dangling in between. No, not in earth either. For I felt a bamboo stick in between my butts (you sometimes have to be vulgar to explain things) every time I walked on its surface. My diet became restricted to biscuit packets bought in by a friend. I did approach the government hospital for help since the good ones were outside campus, beyond my reach in the state I was. The doctor on duty scribbled down a variety of antibiotics he could fancy, antibiotics that loosened a string of loose motions and frequent visits to the bathroom.
The only one who I thought could help me at this critical period was the Almighty. He who can not tolerate any kind of torture on His devotees. I started searching for a photograph of Lord Ganesha, which my mother had given me the first time I left home for the residential institute…

************
“I mean, the heart, lungs, kidneys and levers are primary organs of metabolism”, explained Miss.Cardilia amid heavy vocal protests from Nervos’s camp, “Of which, heart’s functions are most sophisticated and wide networked”
“Excuse me, if you are counting blood vessels with heart, brain very well presides over complete nervous system, most intricate of all”, stated Psychen Neurona from Mr.Nervos’s camp.
“I agree with Miss.Neurona”, blabbered Mr.Dick, “Are you free tonight Miss.Neurona”
“What is that supposed to mean?”, asked Miss.Genitalia
“I um…I thought why not call her for dinner. We don’t seem to be properly acquainted with her. Are we?”
“Stupid Dickhead”
“Sight is the most essential of five senses”, yelled LeftOpsis from the back benches, “You guys are under-appreciating the eyes”
His words drowned in a volley of comments being passed between Nervos camp and Cardilia camp, even before reaching the chairman’s ears
“We should join Mr.Nervos camp, just like other senses, Mr.Tastea and Audible twins”, suggested RightOpkis to his flabbergasted alter ego

**************
“WHY ME GOD? WHY ME”
“Try to understand son. Pain is but a path to understand intricacies of life and soul”
“But what have I done to endure this? Why not anyone else”
“It’s the fruit of your actions, your karma”
The answer infuriated me to an extent that for a moment I forgot, I was leaning in front of Him.
“Stop that bullshit philosophy. Don’t you understand my condition? Last four days have been like four long years. I can’t sit, can’t walk, can’t even go to the toilet and there is no one here to nurse me. My sister’s marriage is just a week away. And I can’t go home because relatives are assembling there and you don’t know how embarrassing it is to tell every aunt and cousin that I have a huge boil in my ass”, I shouted, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Why don’t you understand son, that you have got an opportunity to feel mortal pain and understand the soul”
“No more excuses. If you don’t help me…if you don’t…”
“yes”
“I…I will”
“Don’t worry child. Speak up”
“I will turn into an atheist”, I threatened.
The warmth and affection on His face suddenly disappeared as I felt the pain in my ass increasing.
I woke up seething with pain just to find that I had turned around and was now sleeping on my bottom. Reflexively, I turned around bringing my stomach in contact with the bed.

************
 “You have anything to say Mr.Butt?”, asked the chairman
Brad Butt had the habit of dozing off in a corner in all such meetings. This was no exception. Renowned for his oratory and convincing power, everyone in the meeting despised him. He had many times made the chairman pass laws that were opposed by a majority. That’s the reason why everyone in the committee feared he may act as the kingmaker, supporting the rival camp.
“Seems he does not take specific interest in today’s topic”, stated RightOpsis
“That’s obvious. What will he gain from this resolution”, replied LeftOpsis, “we just have to see whom he favours. I had given him a call yesterday to know his preferences. That rude guy thought I was flattering him and hung up”
“You have any thing to say Mr.Butt”, asked the chairman again
“Oh yes. Sorry that I took a small nap while my friends Nervos and Cardilia were having a fight”
“You can present your views now”
“Well sir, a person lives if his heart functions. He grows if brain does not malfunction. He dies if lever or kidneys do not function, as I have been made to believe by my friends here. Well, you know what happens when the ass sucks?”